The Games We Play

All illustrations in this article were exclusively commissioned by Carole Michele Design.

Bravo Six…Going Down Memory Lane.

We’ve all played video games to some extent or another. Whether it’s the old Sega Genesis you had as a kid, or the first time you saw your grandma play Pong, everyone’s got their own story... 

Unfortunately we don’t care about that story, because we’re about to stereotype you by the type of drinks you consume. Get out the red cups and strap in, because we know how differently those shots hit when you’re on the sticks.

Lite Beer

You’re probably thinking to yourself, “He’s definitely going to say Madden.” And frankly: Madden, FIFA, NHL… they all have one thing in common. They don’t quite describe you. You’re more into gaming than those games would lead people to believe. You care about a particular set of letters, and it isn’t NBA (it’s KDR, but you knew that). You, my friend, are a first person shooter player. But not just any FPS, you play Warzone. You and your buds all sit down for a little sesh every night and pound some brews while you miss your nightly FaceTime with your girlfriend. You just tell her you fall asleep early…but that Win/Loss ratio doesn’t lie. You’d probably have what it takes to stream if you weren’t trashed by 3pm on Fridays after downing a rack.

Bang

You’re amped up on energy drinks at your desktop grinding for Gold in between watching Tik Toks. Sound familiar? League of Legends sure has changed over the years, but you haven’t. Hardstuck silver doesn’t feel good, and you’re going to fix that during this split…erm, this season…maybe during this year’s World’s event? Well, at least there’s preseason to practice for next year. Keep chugging that SUPER CREATINE, we’ll get through silver together.

Vodka

You like to sit down in the nearest open room at the Sigmund Apple Elephant house and play a few rounds of whatever the guys are playing. Rocket League, CoD, 2K? It’s all the same, just get me a shot. Also, what is THAT SMELL? You can never find the bathroom in this place and when you do, there’s never any toilet paper.

P.S. It’s the floors. The floors are what smells.

Tequila

You can’t wait for that new Halo to drop so you can hop on the sticks at your boyfriend’s house and relive the glory days. You’ve been a Chief fan since your brother taught you what the white and black buttons on the controller were for (nothing). You may not be able to remember what happened last weekend, but when it’s game time, the margs and your boyfriend take a back seat. Just because he owns the game he thinks he’s allowed to play? You only died 24 times so far on the first level, you’re on a roll!

Gin

Video games? Yeah, you play video games. “Remember last Thursday, at the barcade? We played Dig Dug before the air-hockey table opened back up.” G&T’s are your go-to, but you wouldn’t say no to a well-made craft cocktail staring you in the face. You claim to not be into gaming, but we’ll see how true that is when CD Projekt Red drops Cyberpunk later this year. You’ve had it pre-ordered since before it sold out; you even built a new rig to support the sick graphics. Debt, what debt? I’ll pay those loans off eventually, just let me enjoy my new PC.

Rum

The only video games you remember are the ones you bought for little Timmy when the Playstation first launched. What was that purple dragon’s name again? Vegas is the place to be, and you’re a huge slots guy. Rum and Coke, Pina Colada, Corpse Reviver? Whatever the casino is serving that tastes like sugar mixed with sugar, you’re into it. Don’t spend it all in one place, the whole Strip needs some love during this pandemic.

Red Bull

You’re the old soul of the bunch. Bang? What’s Bang? It’s all about the wings, baby! You’ve been doing this for 15 years, nothing can phase you. World of Warcraft isn’t just a game, it’s a lifestyle, and you need that sweet, sweet fuel. Taurine and Tauren just fit so well together. “World of Warcraft Classic? Pfft, I was there when Ahn’Qiraj was raided the first time,” you tell your guild. Red Bull isn’t the only thing giving you wings, you just got back from the Darkmoon Faire cannon. Let’s hope Shadowlands is good enough that you don’t have to get out of that chair. That one time you had to walk to the kitchen last month was the worst.

White Claw

You’ve got your finger on the pulse of all the latest and greatest trends. Fortnite? Old news, you were playing Fortnite the day it launched its (somehow still ongoing) Beta. It’s all about VALORANT right now. You don’t play enough to be famous, but put an Operator in your hands when you’re playing Reyna? GG.

IPA

“The Switch is an amazing console. Nintendo is the future, you should see the innovation they put into Breath of the Wild.” You’ll bring your Switch to work in your vintage briefcase to show all your friends how right you are. “Lagunitas is old news, let’s hit the Stone brewery.” Nothing takes the edge off of all those repressed memories like a draft I’m Peach. When someone asks you to 1v1 them, you immediately think they’re talking about Super Smash Bros. It’s the only fighting game that matters. By the way, add me on Pinterest.

Protein Shakes

“Bro, is he hating on Madden and FIFA right now, bro?” “No, it just wasn’t the right fit for the CoD players, bro, he’s got us bro.” Listen to your bro, bro, I didn’t forget about you. When you aren’t in the gym bulking, you’re in the gym shredding. Any free time is spent with the boys (on Saturdays, of course), and no one can touch your Ultimate Team. You can score threes on and off the court (it was the beer goggles you swear), but in 2K? You drop more points per game than 2007 Kobe, RIP. What are you doing reading this, shouldn’t you be making #gainz??

Wine

Make sure you fed your cat today, because you won’t be getting off that IKEA couch once you start trying to catch butterflies in New Horizons. Good thing you have those leftovers from when Mom visited, because those groceries aren’t going to make themselves. Tom Nook may be scamming you into debt harder than Sallie Mae, but that won’t stop you from making your island the perfect village of tiny lil’ furry guys. OH! Look at the way Tia trumpets her lil’ snoot! And the puns! AHEM. Anyway, good luck with that baby game. 

Whiskey

Video games? What are those? You love a disgustingly humid summer day, off-roading dirt paths by the river. Camo? Check. Boats? Check. Fishing? Double Check. You like your drinks the way you like your flag, straight up in the back of a truck. Don’t worry, you also enjoy lite beer and protein shakes. WAIT, YOU GUYS HAVE THE NEW DEER HUNTING SIMULATOR? Hold my football while I hop on the sticks.

Milk

You used to enjoy it but now it gives you tummy aches. I’m talking about Destiny 2, but I guess it applies to the milk as well. Everyone used to be into Bungie’s next big hit until they fumbled the bag…6 times. “But Forsaken was amazing,” you tell all your friends, as you aimlessly wander through seven minute loading screens trying to complete 247 bounties by next Tuesday. Maybe Beyond Light will be good in Septe-…November. I do like it with cereal though.

Water

“Where’s Fortnite!? He only mentioned it once!” Well, here ya go, junior. Fortnite is like water, everyone played it but now they’re looking for alternatives. Apex Legends? Near miss. Blackout? We won’t talk about that. PUBG? Maybe next year, champ. Sparkling water has nothing on the real thing, and the copycats have nothing on Fortnite. It may be essential and everyone may do it, but boy are we tired of hearing about how great water is when we’re in the middle of pounding some crispy boys.

THE END

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